me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
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At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
This is the best one I’ve seen
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?