Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
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birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.