Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
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I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
A dad and his duck
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
i’m laughing very hard in real life
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.