ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
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Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
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