I’m calling the cops.
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Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Thoughts
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?