2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
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Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet