I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
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When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
That’s fair
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Nothing to do, you say?
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?