Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
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I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA