[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
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When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
“I wouldn’t.”
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.