cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
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Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea