One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
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A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Ain’t no way
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?