[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
You Might Also Like
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
This meal prepping shit is easy
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I need this for my side hustle.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!