The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
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wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
want me to check your oil?
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS