Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
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Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
You can’t outrun your problems…
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.