Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
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*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Pickled cat.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???