Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
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Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
They got a point!
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women