When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
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Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.