My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
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Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.