[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
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(Jupiter –
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Teamwork makes the dream work.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
This made me smile…
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.