Not muting your mic is the new reply all
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I sexually identify as a hand grenade
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Overindulged this afternoon.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Meowchelangelo
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?