Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
You Might Also Like
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.