[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
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Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof