Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
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[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup