a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
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(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.