Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
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Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
🍛
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?