coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
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My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
😩😩😩
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO