Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
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I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes