5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
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ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Erm…
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
is this how new cars are made??
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.