TEETH IS INNOCENT
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[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.