My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
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[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.