How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
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Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire