ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
You Might Also Like
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
The dark side of Canada
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.