*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
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wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
#damn
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
subtitles are so good nowadays
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Pretty much! 😂👀
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.