Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
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people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger