My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
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Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
So the ex texted me
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…