[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
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HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road