Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
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I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Thursday
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
the only bumper sticker ill allow
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Me, in DM rooms…
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever