BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
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I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.