Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
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I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good