i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
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creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?