When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
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A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.