I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
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and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.