instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
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[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
My dog learned how to text
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Unimpressed
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me