me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
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The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
hackers play passwordle
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.