My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
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friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal