“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
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“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.