What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
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Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
saw this in a dream