Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
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I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.