So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
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We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Brands during Pride
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
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Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho