I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
You Might Also Like
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
This could be us but you eatin’
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.